'It will never be normal'

Dianne MacLean is left to wonder just how much she will be altered in the long term by the shocking death of her 20-year-old son Mitch.

The loss, of course, is permanent.

The excruciating pain, however, has no timetable.

“I’m a pretty happy-go-lucky person,’’ she said. “I’m worried I won’t feel like that again.’’

Irwin MacLean is certain that his life will never be the same now that his son has been removed from it.

“It will never be normal,’’ he said. “I’m 53 years of age and this will go with me to my grave.’’

Forty days had passed since their son was murdered in Alberta when the MacLeans sat down with The Guardian this week to candidly discuss their incomprehensible heartache.

Condolences and support have overwhelmed the couple.

Total strangers from across the country have flooded them with cards that extend genuine, heartfelt sympathy.

The MacLeans can’t say enough about their heart-warming trip to Lethbridge, Alberta -- their son’s home for the past two years -- to attend a moving memorial on Jan. 14 for Mitch and the other victims of the triple murder-suicide that rocked P.E.I. and Lethbridge to the core.

Players, coaches and many others in the community embraced Irwin and Dianne as if they were family. They were touched. They are grateful.

Back at home, Dianne says their minister, Rev. Eric Lynk, in addition to preparing and presenting a homily that “depicted Mitchell the way Mitchell was,’’ has just in general “been so fabulous.’’

Neighbours and friends have beat a compassionate path to the couple’s home in South Winsloe that is located right across the street from Winsloe United Church where the funeral was held for Mitch on Dec. 22 in front of more than 500 people.

Some visitors are awkward, not knowing just quite what to say. Others give a hug and don’t want to let go.

Thousands of dollars in funds have been raised.

Food has poured in. So too have offers of help. People are not only willing but also eager to do anything  -- absolutely anything at all -- in hopes of somehow easing the burden and the suffering of this devastated family.

“I had no idea how many wonderful people we had in our lives,’’ said Dianne. “I love this island.’’

Many have said they cannot possibly imagine what the MacLeans are going through.

Imagine then, if you will, the pressure of a large elephant stomping on your chest. That, suggests Dianne, would pale in comparison to the crushing weight that she and her family are under.

“We’re mentally and physically exhausted,’’ she said.

Neither Irwin, who works as a carpenter for the province, or Dianne, who is an a administrative assistant at UPEI, would hazard a guess as to when they might be prepared to return to work. Too soon now. The loss and the hurt is still so raw.

Their two remaining boys are, just like mom and dad, reeling from the loss.

One night Irwin came across his eldest son, Mark, 26, sitting in his bedroom in the dark crying. Mark said he was deeply saddened to think that he may not have been around as much as he could have been for his younger brother despite a six-year age difference that made them going their separate ways quite natural.

Mitch’s younger brother, Morgan, 19, is struggling in his own way.

Morgan had taken over Mitch’s bedroom when Mitch headed to Alberta in 2009 to chase his dream of becoming a professional baseball player. Since Mitch’s death, Morgan has not slept a single night in that room. Instead, he sleeps on a couch in the rec room surrounded by photos of his dead brother and memorabilia from a promising baseball career cut short.

Dianne believes Morgan has been staying very active in an attempt to avoid confronting the reality of Mitch’s death.

The couple has been so busy the past five weeks attending funerals and memorials and accepting condolences from hundreds and hundreds of caring souls that the full extent of their great loss is just now starting to sink in.

“You know when it first happened it was such a blur,’’ said Dianne.

Irwin notes the pair has done plenty of grieving in public. Now they are entering more into the private stage of their intense suffering.

“This is really our first week of down time,’’ he said. “I woke about five o’clock this (Wednesday) morning, tears running down from my eyes.’’

Mark was the first family member to receive the unthinkable news when he answered the door to an RCMP officer. He called dad at work and Irwin in turn called Dianne at UPEI. The officer gave the gut-wrenching account to Irwin, who arrived home a short time before his wife, then repeated the horrific news once more to Dianne.

First learning that her son was dead, then learning the shocking nature of the death  was too much for Dianne to absorb at the time.

Still, she wanted details. She followed media coverage in the hours and days that followed, intent on learning “what the hell happened.’’

She would learn, as did the rest of the country, that her boy was an innocent young man caught in the line of fire of a messed up 21-year-old named Derek Jensen. Jensen, Dianne says, clearly must have been “sick.’’

MacLean and his close friend and teammate Tanner Craswell, 22, of Charlottetown were getting a drive from Tabitha Stepple and Shayna Conway of Charlottetown to the Calgary International Airport on Dec. 15 to fly home to P.E.I. for the holidays. En route, Jensen rammed the back of the foursome’s SUV, forcing Conway, who was driving, to stop the vehicle and step out.

Stepple’s ex-boyfriend Jensen then shot and killed MacLean, Craswell and Stepple and seriously injured Conway before turning the gun on himself.

The MacLeans have tried to contact Jensen’s parents, who reportedly have received hate mail, through the police to let them know there is no hate or anger on their part. Jensen’s parents have not made contact with the MacLeans.

“We’re not saying we’re not going to have angry days because we are angry he’s gone,’’ added Dianne.

She still feels a strong need to learn as many details as she can about her son’s death. She wants to know, for instance, how many times Mitch was shot and where the bullets struck her boy.

Sadly, it has taken the tragic death of their son for the MacLeans to learn more about what he was really like.

Teammates, coaches and others have shared numerous stories on the strong character and deep impact this young man had on so many. The accounts of Mitch as a passionate, talented and determined ball player provided a familiar picture for his parents. They have seen that drive ever since their boy took to the sport at a young age.

Yet it wasn’t until after Mitch’s death that Irwin and Dianne learned of their humble son’s dazzling, record-setting performance in an October game when he smashed home eight runs.

“That’s just the way he was,’’ said Dianne.

Other recollections have given Irwin and Dianne new insight into their late son.

He has been described as a jokester and the life of the party, offering a sharp contrast to Dianne’s perception of Mitch.

“To me Mitchell was always quiet and shy...maybe he just needed people around him to blossom,’’ she said.

Irwin and Dianne also discovered just how loved Mitch was by friends and fans alike. Irwin learned that Mitch would never rush off the field in Lethbridge. He always made a point to sign baseballs for the kids.

“Pretty proud parents, I’ll tell you,’’ said Irwin.

“It makes you proud as a parent that maybe you did something right.’’