Sometimes sarcasm is the only way to get through a rough month
It’s beginning to look a lot like … the slow decay of organic matter.
That’s right folks, it’s the most wonderful time of the year. Since May, there has been a barrage of sickly, festive occasions. May 2-4: time off work and long weekends at the cabin? Who needs ‘em! June: school’s out for summer - freedom and endless daylight hours? I prefer rigid structure and pallor! July: Canada Day festivities - barbecues, beers, beaches … BLECH! And August: Oh jeez, another frosty glass of IPA next to a roaring campfire while surrounded by friends and upbeat tunes? Bo-ring!
September and the excitement of back-to-school with new supplies, new sneakers, new friendships: snooze-fest! October with the just-OK myriad colours of foliage - I mean, you’ve taken one drive along a winding river surrounded by lush hills rife with scarlet and golden hues, you’ve taken ‘em all, am I right? And don’t get me started on Halloween! I mean, who loves dressing up, reliving childhood and eating delicious candy? No, thank-you! Give me a plain turtleneck and shapeless slacks and I will gnaw on my head of iceberg lettuce in peace. Might even wash that bad boy down with a tall glass of tepid tap water.
November is here at long last. I drove that same highway along that same winding river just yesterday, and was delighted to see the once obnoxiously bright, multicoloured leaves were gone, leaving the hills with the most adorably barren patches. This past weekend marked the onset of “daylight savings” - or what I like to call “darkness lovings”. There is nothing that lifts my spirit quite like driving to and from work in total darkness. Throw in a little morning windshield frost, a missing scraper, and a defiant toddler who hates seatbelts, and we have the trifecta of November perfection.
I’m writing a new song called “I’ll be getting outta Dodge for November.” It's dedicated to all those crazy snowbirds who don’t seem to see the beauty in mild, seasonal depression and burgeoning rodent problems under the cloak of eternal darkness.
Vitamin D: who needs it! (What’s that? We all do? It’s necessary for bone health and also helps boost serotonin, our feel-good, brain neurotransmitters? Well, #1: how much can we trust “well-researched, proven, scientific fact”? And #2: I’ve got my fortified milk. So joke's on you, beach babes with your tans and your joy: I’ve got the pigment of raw chicken and the overall drive of an ill sloth. And what I lack in happiness and concern for my physical appearance, I make up for in flaking skin and delicious mugs of cow secretions. Thanks, November!)
You know the song, “I’ll be home for Christmas”? I’m writing a new song called “I’ll be getting outta Dodge for November.” It's dedicated to all those crazy snowbirds headed to their tropical destinations, who don’t seem to see the beauty in mild, seasonal depression and burgeoning rodent problems under the cloak of eternal darkness.
And for those of you who feel like reasons to eat, drink and be merry are still too far in the distant (seven weeks) future, do I have good news for you! November is… (drum roll)... FINANCIAL LITERACY MONTH! So keep those stockings tucked away and don’t even think of opening that tin of Quality Street. Because we’re about to serve ourselves up a big, delicious, celebratory bowl of smart budgeting! Who needs “twinkling lights” and “cheer” when you can have “financial goal setting” and "mortgage calculators"? I can almost hear Bing Crosby crooning about those festive spreadsheets.
Hang in there, kids. Maybe find a minute to put aside that page-turner about “compound interest” and “mutual funds” and have a campfire two months too late. Or a rum and eggnog one month too early. That’s the thing about November: it can be whatever you make
it. And remember: sometimes, sarcasm makes everything - even November - better.
Heather Huybregts is a mother, physiotherapist, blogger (www.heatheronarock.com), YouTuber and puffin whisperer from Corner Brook, NL. Her column appears biweekly.