I’m so fed up trying to get my children to clean up after themselves. I have as much problems with the 15 year old as I do with my seven year old. I talked to my girlfriends about it and they say they have the same issue. I don’t want to be on their backs all the time but I’m worn ragged and they don’t seem to care.
Blair
As a therapist who does workshops on effective parenting, this is the number one dilemma that most parents bring to me. The top strategy I teach is the concept of logical and natural consequences. Most evidence shows that rewards and punishment do not affect long term change. What does work is consequences.
For example, let’s say your 16 year old wants to go to a movie and you have assigned them to rake the leaves outside by the end of the day. The movie time comes around and the leaves are not done, so the logical consequence is to withhold the movie because they have not completed their task. You would say to them “I see you’ve decided not to go to the movie since the leaves are not cleaned up.” If they do finish their assigned housework on time, the movie is all theirs. If not, they will grumble but they’ll have learned a valuable lesson.
This can also be done with younger children regarding toys. Our natural instinct is to put the toys away ourselves (it’s so much easier). But in order to teach your child responsibility, you would tell them that you’ll only remind them once to put the toys away and if they don’t, then the toys disappear for a period of time. Always explain that the removal of the toys is the consequence of their own behavior, so they know that they’re behavior is influencing the outcome of the situation. You also have to ensure that the task and the consequences are fully understood and that they are related to one another.
If it’s kept simple and convenient, clean up can actually be quite gratifying. Let your child take the lead to create an organizing system that works for them. What may look like a disaster to you may actually have a system to them, so let them categorize their own stuff.
Finally, you have to consider your child’s learning style. We have a child with processing issues, so she can’t handle any more than two or three tasks at a time. When dealing with all children, it’s important to keep your requests clear and achievable so that you set them up for success.
I know it’s hard dealing with everything we parents deal with today, but we must also hold our child’s self-esteem as our top priority. Anger, criticism and shame all diminish a child’s sense of self, but calm, patient, supportive communication helps children develop into healthy, self-loving, kind-hearted adult humans.
Jenny
I’ll take a two-fold approach to this question: one is to treat the parent and the other is to properly treat the child.
First, it’s essential that we parents understand that, no matter how mature your child is, their brain is still developing and won’t stop until 24-25 years of age. That said, we have to remind ourselves they’re immersed in a pretty steep learning curve. Blair just advised us to practice patience, but it’s difficult to parent patiently when life is so busy and stressful. Here’s where I put on my wellness coaching hat and plead with you to take time for self-care. Getting adequate sleep, eating a whole foods diet, exercising your body and doing something pleasurable each day are the foundations for good health, and effective parenting. What’s one change you can implement into your life that would move the dial toward better balance?
As for our little monsters, let’s be clear about one thing: kids love their parents and would be devastated if anything happened to them, but they don’t care if mom and dad have time to put their feet up at the end of the day. Most kids just aren’t wired for it. What they are wired for is structure, consistency and ease.
Their developing brains may have difficulty remembering things like putting dirty clothes in the laundry bin or closing cupboard doors after they’ve found their snack, but they will remember the inconvenience of circling back to the task after the fact. Doing it yourself doesn’t teach them anything, it just breeds resentment, right? Hold them accountable by leaving the chores for them to do, even if it means you have to navigate around a temporary mess to prove your point.
This leads me to my final recommendation, which is to choose your battles wisely. In our household, we are fans of active living, limited screen time, whole foods and yes, a clean house (we work at home, so cleanliness matters). As a family, have a conversation about what you value most and then together, create parameters for living a happy, harmonious life.
Have a question? Send your inquiries to [email protected], all questions are confidential. For information on workshops and training programs with Jenny and Blair, visit www.BreathingSpaceYogaStudio.ca
