ASK THE THERAPISTS: Is there help for control freaks like me?

All my life I've tried to control everything around me. Lately, it seems that the more I try to control, the less I actually have and I end up no further ahead. I am so exhausted, I just want to be free and enjoy my life but my fear of losing control keeps me locked into a prison of sorts. Any thoughts?

Jenny

I too have had a long history of striving for control, which for me took the shape of food restriction and perfectionism. I have a number of friends who affectionately refer to themselves as control freaks so you’re not alone. Control is something we all seek, and to some extent, it’s not a bad thing. On the one hand, it’s very empowering to remind ourselves we do have control over certain things in our lives like our thoughts, our choices, our actions, our words etc. This puts us in the driver seat, and helps us to move in the direction of our dreams. On the other hand, life has an unpredictable nature that is totally beyond our control, which we have to face every new day of our lives.

If you are negatively affected by a crippling habit of trying to control all aspects of life, the first step is the one you’ve just taken; admitting your struggle and reaching out for help. After all, we can’t heal what’s in the shadow until it’s brought to the light. I recall the moment I admitted to myself that my desire to gain control of my life had, in fact, lead me to an uncontrollable addiction. Coming face to face with our failed attempts at controlling the uncontrollable can fill us with despair, but it can also fill us with the hope of healing. As Rumi once said, “When the world pushes you to your knees, you’re in the perfect position to pray.” While you may not believe in prayer, you will likely agree thoughts and feelings hold the potential to change our lives. Your simple act of reaching out reflects a deep desire to be healthier, so let’s run with that.

I’m guessing it’s not actually control you seek but rather the peace and security you think will come if you gain control. To live an optimal life, contemplative traditions teach us to ride the waves of life and the fluctuating nature of our emotions by using our breath.

Take a moment to turn your awareness to your breath. Without attempting to alter your breath in any way, just notice the sensations of the breath as it flows into and out of your lungs. Let go of the effort that goes along with chronic control patterns and just breathe. Soften your belly, relax your neck and simply watch your breath flow.

This may seem like a simple little practice but it's a powerful way of practising releasing the need for control in every moment. As you let go and allow your body to breathe itself, ask yourself did the world cave? Likely not. The more you practice surrendering into the moment through your breath, the more you’ll develop the trust that you’ll be OK if you do let go, and let life be.

One final perk on releasing control: when we learn to unclench our jaw and loosen our grip on life, we actually open our lives up for more magical and spontaneous encounters, so keep at it!

Blair

I can relate to your need for control, as I grew up with an alcoholic parent who would go on binges for weeks on end. Most of my early adult years were consumed with efforts to control the events and people around me, which I couldn’t do as a child. Although it helped me to feel more safe in my life, to some degree, it also made me feel anxious and stressed and it affected others freedom and independence. People with control issues tend to have a difficult time sustaining healthy relationships and can struggle to succeed in a collaborative workplace, so I applaud your willingness to look at this issue.

The key to behaviour change of any kind is to dig deep enough until the root cause is revealed. Here are some questions to help your digging process: when did this excessive need for control arise? Was it in response to a painful or traumatic experience? How does striving for control serve you today?

Exploring these answers will help you to identify the real wound and gain greater understanding of this coping mechanism. Once you’ve done that you can choose other ways of being that aren’t so exhausting and actually propel you into your ideal life. Let’s face it, control may feel good in the moment but it doesn't create the results you want in your life.

Instead of seeking to control everything and exhausting yourself in the process, you can practice being prepared. Properly preparing for a new experience or a work assignment can give you that sense of mastery without the frustration which accompanies control.

I also invite you to take some time each day to immerse yourself in nature. I walk everyday to remind myself of the natural rhythms of life. The forest doesn’t try to grow, the birds don’t strive to sing and the river doesn’t push its water downstream. The natural world just exists and it operates in perfect harmony. Then when we re-enter our own lives after a walk, a ride or a paddle, we can bring this quality of flow with us.

Finally, when you notice your control pattern arise, affirm to yourself “Everything is as it should be,” “I am safe to just be.”

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Blair Abbass and Jenny Kierstead are certified therapists, award winning educators and partners in life and business. They are the co-founders of Breathing Space Yoga Studio/Teacher Training, Yoga in Schools and Girl on Fire. They have been married for 17 years, but who’s counting. Write them at [email protected].