In a recent episode of Complex’s Hot Ones web-series , Shia LaBeouf took the hot seat and, one after another, tore into his wings with the vigour of a long-famished predator having finally caught his prey.
The episode garnered over 13-million views online and went viral almost immediately on social media, kicking off his return to the spotlight and winning him a measure of respect and admiration he’d never quite had before as a troubled star. Make no mistake: If it weren’t for LaBeouf’s way with the wing, that wouldn’t be the case.
It was a vulgar display. Legs man-spread, arms flexed as if about to enter battle, LaBeouf lathered each piece in extra hot sauce from top to bottom (an unprecedented move in Hot Ones history), tore skin, tongued and fingered between the bones, sucked juices anywhere he found them — lest he leave a morsel behind. Each piece was chewed as if it might be his last, the camera zooming in as if it were filming a wildlife documentary. As his teeth gnashed into meat, tears dripped from his eyes, snot poured from his nose into his beard, drool dribbled out of the corners of his mouth and bits of chicken flew.
Host Sean Evans, normally the very model of measure and decorum, watched in visible awe of his technique as a bone left his mouth entirely clean. LaBeouf, noticing his shock, explained simply, “I’m not cute with it. I eat .”
This display of instinctual, raw savagery — exactly how a chicken wing should be eaten, mind you — presents the ideal example of why the old adage “you are what you eat” is in need of a slight alteration to become “you are the way you eat.”
Chicken wings can be devoured in countless ways, of course, but it’s worth heeding what those ways say about you. At the opposite of LaBeouf’s end of the spectrum, there are those shameful types who would much rather tackle their wings the way the Queen might handle a crustless sandwich at dinner: with a fork, a knife and a large napkin for delicately dabbing the mouth should someone catch the slightest hint of sauce escape one’s lips.
It’s a decidedly safe way of eating and being, an innocent approach too nervous to dig a little deeper, too apathetic to lick up a drop of juice. These are not the risk-takers, but the settlers, the ones who prefer to live life as though they’re stuck in neutral.
It’s closer to LaBeouf where the unafraid prevail. Consider, even, his proclivity for heat. A study conducted by the University of Pennsylvania and cited by Melanie Muhl and Diana Von Kopp in their book How We Eat With Our Eyes and Think With Our Stomach , found that spice-lovers “are eager to try new things; willing to try risks; and hungry for variety, strong emotions and adventures — all characteristics linked to thrill-seekers.” These tend to be more curious people, who grow easily bored with the nominal.
Then comes the way the meat is handled and just how much is eaten off the bone. In a Twitter thread that went viral this past December, users heatedly debated over the five types of wing-eaters: 1) the nibbler, 2) the type who takes one big bite and has had enough, 3) the type who takes one big bite on one side and one big bite on the other, 4) the type who bites, nibbles and chews but still leaves some hard to tear skin and meat on the tips, and 5) the type who leaves the bone clean, as if it had never been blessed by meat.
The majority of users proclaimed an immense distaste for No. 1s, insisting they be banned from restaurants. They further suggested that only children would approach a wing in such a manner. Meanwhile, No. 5s garnered mass respect. Chrissy Teigen jumped in, naturally, and declared, “I don’t invite 1s or 2s back to my house. Even my daughter knows better.”
A special few chimed in to proclaim themselves unclassified No. 6s, “the one where the bone is not only cleaned but cracked in numerous places as I suck the marrow out,” as described by Mick Lauer, eagerly answering a question that no one asked of him.
It’s a trickier business when it comes to flats versus drums. One must have a certain fearlessness. LaBeouf puts it best: “How can you be pretty with the two bones? It’s easier to be pretty with the one bone. It gets tricky to be pretty with the two bones. You gotta get the meat in the middle.”
After all, one who eats a chicken wing — wet or dry — the right way, knows it isn’t a pretty sight. But what elevates a regular chicken wing eater into one who garners respect is that they just don’t care. Still, for those scared of how to proceed, LaBeouf shared what Evans dubbed “The Shia Push”: Bite the meat in the middle, tugging it out with your teeth while pushing it out with your middle finger from the other side.
It is possible, in other words, for your wing-eating style to evolve, for you to grow and develop as a person, and to become someone who wants more from life — and from their wing.
Copyright Postmedia Network Inc., 2020
