ASK ELLIE: Reopening hurtful relationship not a good idea

Q - I dated this guy for a year and thought he was The One.

We were both in our early-30s. He was divorced, no kids. I'd had relationships, but never married.

We saw each other whenever we were free. After a few months, including regular sleepovers, I kept waiting for him to ask me to move in with him.

I finally realized that he couldn't make that next move, because he won't risk loving anyone again.

Following months that included many discussions, fights, tears and make-up sex, it became obvious that he carried deep bitterness from his failed marriage.

I was devastated by the realization and felt used just to warm his bed as needed.

But then I got angry, which helped me get over him.

So I was stunned yesterday when I saw a text from him. He asked how I was, chatted a little, was interested in my work and that was it.

I got angry at him all over again.

From your experience, what do you think was the purpose of that kind of text, coming out of nowhere?

Confused, Annoyed, Curious

A - Hold off on being "curious." He's devastated you before, so don't risk your emotions so quickly.

Why did he reach out now? It could be a seasonal reaction on his part: It's dark outside early, the nights are cold and lonely, he may just be checking out if you're available for more "bed warming."

If he wanted more, he clearly didn't drop even a hint.

Stay cool. He's proven before that he runs away from any deep connection to a partner, though he knew that was what you wanted.

Stay detached. He'd have to show a great deal more than polite curiosity about you before you can take a chance on getting hurt again.

Q - My boyfriend of 18 months started asking me one month ago about my work calendar and any free time that I have around Christmas and New Year's Day.

I can't help wondering if he's planning something special for us during that time period. I'm also excited that it could be about getting engaged, but I'm afraid to think further about it.

I'm 30, and know that I want marriage, not just a relationship. I also want children.

I know I mustn't build up any expectations, he could just have wanted to take advantage of the then-Black Friday sales on airline tickets for a week's stay in a resort in Mexico.

That would be a treat, but my tears will give me away if it isn't what I really want. Should I hint to him about getting engaged? Will bridal magazines scare him more than get the message across? I'm in a dither about this.

Foolish Expectations?

A - Since you've been dating this long, he's bound to already have some sense of your hopes for the future.

He obviously wants to surprise you over the holidays, but don't pin all your hopes on an engagement ring.

Also, don't shed tears over the potential gift of a Mexican getaway. It can not only provide a relaxing break for you both, but also more important, it can allow time to share your thoughts and desires for taking this relationship to the next step of planning a future together.

Bridal magazines aren't necessary (too obvious anyways). Instead, look toward the holidays with upbeat anticipation for whatever's happening for sure - family dinners, seeing friends, free time, etc.

Whatever the surprise, remember that he's put time and thought into it.

FEEDBACK

Regarding the worried granddaughter:

Reader — "My mother's also had concerns re: visiting even family and friends since her 80s. she was either overwhelmed, or concerned about access to bathrooms.

"Now 95, in a retirement home, she has a day-to-day routine. Major changes in routine can upset her mental and physical health.

"When the letter-writer's Grandma says she isn't feeling well, the granddaughter should just accept that and offer whatever comfort she can.

"Maybe Grandma, and Grandpa too, doesn't want to be specific about what's really bothering her. It could be related to fear of incontinence or bowel incontinence which she may've experienced previously.

"Even if described by her doctor in "perfect health," she may have certain health issues that are uncomfortable to discuss. It's easier for her to just say she isn't feeling well.

"Perhaps whoever is closest to the couple might prompt Grandma to open up."