Q - I'm 22, have a decent job, and people say I'm attractive.
But I'm embarrassed to admit when asked, that I still don't have a date for New Year's Eve.
Am I a loser?
Secret Shame
A - No. Not a loser, but you need to change your defeatist self-image.
A New Year's date with the wrong person - e.g. someone barely known, and accepted only because you thought you'd otherwise be considered a loser, is no fun.
I was 17 when a couple of girlfriends, 19, whom I knew from summer camp invited me to go to New York City with them to be in Times Square on New Year's Eve.
On the drive there, I was told they'd arranged a "date" for me (they had their own, we were meeting them at a house party.)
Times Square was freezing cold that night and jammed. I couldn't move an inch from my friends without fear of being lost in the jostling crowd.
The drive to a house in the Bronx seemed endless, we arrived at 1am, my friends disappeared somewhere in the house, my stranger-date dropped a sloppy kiss on me, and I avoided him between the washroom and the kitchen till we left at 3am.
My advice: Create your own cozy gathering with close friends. Offer to set up for drinks and light snacks, and have guests bring or order in their favourite dish.
If on your own, plan an evening you know you'll enjoy - stream favourite movies (avoid heavy weepers), read a great book, listen to music that inspires you.
Do not drink excess alcohol and feel sorry for yourself.
That's important, so you can make a sincere resolution the next day to work at meeting new people (try some meetup.com groups), pursue an activity or course that interests you, and boost your fitness/well-being with some form of exercise (consider a walking group).
Dear Readers - I'm sharing a tweet that came to me because, despite its seeming-rudeness regarding a couple's marriage, it's also illuminating about how some relationships start, and sometimes last.
The tweet: "11years ago, I was texting a dude I'd hooked up with a few times, as I got ready for Thanksgiving back in my hometown.
"I forget, what's your town called again?" he asked. I told him.
"One EIGHT-HOUR DRIVE later, he appeared at my doorstep. WHAT A DUMBASS. Anyway, we're married.
"You might ask, how could I?"
Ellie - Yes, that's how some people end up together, even from a hook-up without much emotion, and no expectation of it becoming anything more.
Then, this so-called "dude" suddenly went the distance to show that he wanted to see her.
Sometimes, that's what it takes - a person whose inner qualities were previously overlooked, who shows what a real attraction is about, puts him/herself out to connect at a meaningful time.
And you see each other in a new light.
The guy she spoke of disparagingly for his surprising show of commitment, has now been her husband for the past 11 years.
"How could she?" Because he was the right guy for her at the time, and it's lasted.
Sure, their future together is unknown. Did she write the tweet for its humour, as a joke on herself? We don't know.
I like it for reflecting that, despite the current hit-and-miss possibilities of online dating, hook-ups and what-have-you, you never really see who a person is, until you take a closer look.
FEEDBACK
Regarding the husband of 35 years wanting to move to their basement, where the grandchildren reside:
Reader — "You're wrong in not telling the woman that we DON'T have control over our hearts.
"The wife should accept this change in the husband's inner state.
"It'll preserve peace between the couple and the family. Both partners would be free to pursue their futures lives."
Ellie - Maybe some women could live peacefully with a man who's admitted that he NEVER loved her, but this woman clearly can't.
It's a rejection by him, not a change of heart.
I form responses based on the feelings/details described by the letter-writer, and I stand with my answer for her.
She's in mid-life at 57, and doesn't have to be tied to this would-be "friend" who mainly wants the comforts of staying there.
He can be close to the grandchildren from his own new location.
Ellie's tip of the day
New Year's Eve is a notable calendar date, not a definition of who you are.
More ASK ELLIE
Jilted husband ready to move on?
